I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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