goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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