What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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