Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
