You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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