Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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