Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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