You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
