Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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