Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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