We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Im part way to drunk.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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