Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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