I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
