Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
