Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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