In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
