tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
