I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
