May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
