She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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