a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
