Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
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I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize