She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
