I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
