you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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