I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
