just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
