She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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