her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
