New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
