Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
