Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
