i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
