Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
