Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
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Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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