I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
