Soap is not a condiment
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
