I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
