I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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