I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize