Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
