I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I cannot find my penis.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
