i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
