Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?