1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
