I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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