His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
