I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
