Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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