maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
