I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
