i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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