My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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